# Boat Ramp Article



## SomaliPirate (Feb 5, 2016)

The jet ski/tower boat thread got me thinking of this little thing I wrote a while back. It's actually an expanded version of a post I wrote on here a few years back. It's been submitted and rejected by every outdoor and boating magazine in existence, so there's no sense letting it languish on my flash drive. Here it is. Let me know if it's good, funny, sucks, or whatever:

Boat Ramp Champs

This weekend I launched my skiff at a crowded urban ramp, rather than at the quieter nature coast ramps I’m used to. While stressful, the experience gave me an opportunity to observe some of our local Florida boat ramp inhabitants in their natural habitat. Read along and see if any of these are familiar to you.

First, we have Pontoon Paul. Pontoon Paul has no concept of a make ready lane. He backs his pontoon boat right down to the water, where he proceeds to start loading the boat. Coolers, life jackets (optional), pool noodles, beer and sometimes a barbeque grill all go aboard right there at the ramp. While Paul is working on this task, his entire 15 person party begins to pile out of the van. As soon as you think they’re all out, another one appears. The process is reminiscent of clowns exiting a Volkswagen at your local circus. Once the entire crew has cleared the van, they aimlessly mill about the area while Paul continues his preparations.

At some point, Paul has finally stowed the kitchen sink in his boat and is ready to go. He manages to get it launched with the help of two or three members of his group shouting contradictory instructions at him from the dock. Now that it’s safely in the water, Paul moors as close to the ramp as he can using no less than five tangled lines. The idea that someone else would like to launch after him never crosses his mind. His crew begins to board and spends ten minutes playing a loud and argumentative game of musical chairs while Paul attempts to fire up his outboard which was last started the previous September.

It is at this point that we meet Tower Boat Tommy. Tommy roars into the boat basin in his sweet new bay boat with custom tower, hull wrap and maximum rated horsepower. His skeg still carries bits of grass and manatee hide from his full throttle forays across the flats. Tommy’s on board sound system is killer; the thumping beats of the latest top 40 country song carry across the water, turning this small community park into a first rate concert venue. Tommy skillfully eases up to the courtesy dock to drop off his partner and then circles while said partner retrieves the tow vehicle. His buddy soon returns with their custom lifted ¾ ton 4x4 pickup with gleaming 24 inch chrome rims, trailer in tow. Once the trailer is at proper depth, Tommy takes careful aim and hammers the throttle while executing a magnificent power load. Why else would one have a 350 horsepower outboard if not to do this? Tommy throws a ten foot rooster tail of sediment and creates a large, tsunami-like wake which races across the boat basin. Within moments the wake crashes full force into Pontoon Paul, throwing roughly half of his crew to the deck. Paul, still trying to coax his outboard to life, barely notices.

As the first round of excitement winds down, Jet Ski Joey makes his appearance. The experienced eye will always be able to pick up on the signs of his presence. You will initially notice the BMW coupe towing a twin jet ski trailer in the parking lot. Moving to the water’s edge, one observes a thin film of hair gel floating on the water like a small oil slick. When these signs are present, Jet Ski Joey can’t be far behind. As he eases into the boat basin, we are initially blinded by the gleam from his gold chain necklace, which is heavy enough to completely negate the buoyancy provided by his PFD. After doing a few gnarly 360’s for any babes who might be watching from the shore, Joey decides to head to the dock. Unfortunately, Joey forgets that his craft loses steerage when he comes off the throttle and he hits Pontoon Paul in the stern with a solid thud just as Paul was coaxing that old outboard to life. Tempers flare on both sides, but Joey quickly realizes he is outnumbered and makes a tactical retreat. Paul finally manages to start his outboard and the party eases away in a cloud of blue smoke.

With Pontoon Paul gone, our old friend Snowbird Saul takes center stage. Saul makes a bold fashion statement in his seven inch inseam shorts, and sandals with navy dress socks. The Sanibel Island logo hat acquired at a beach shop is optional. Saul starts by moseying up to the fish cleaning table where he asks what each fish is, then loudly proclaims to anyone who will listen that the ol’ Smallie fights harder than any of these fancy Florida fish. When no one seems very interested in his gems of wisdom Saul and his wife make their way to the first available courtesy dock. They are able to take up the entire dock for five minutes while they film a brown pelican sitting on a piling. A budding David Attenborough, Saul dramatically narrates the video as the pelican preens itself and takes a massive dump on the dock. I’m sure the grandkids back in Jersey will be riveted.

When all was said and done, I finally managed to get my skiff launched without any damage, heart attacks or fist fights. Rather than getting angry or frustrated, I just had to laugh, enjoy the free entertainment and be thankful that I usually launch before sunrise on practically deserted nature coast ramps.


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## Guest (Nov 19, 2019)

Priceless! Now put your thinking cap on and turn it in to a television series!


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## SomaliPirate (Feb 5, 2016)

Boatbrains said:


> Priceless! Now put your thinking cap on and turn it in to a television series!


Can do, but forum members have to play all the roles.


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## windblows (May 21, 2014)

OMG, sounds like my every weekend.

You forgot Kayaker Kyle who shows up with a kayak so large that it must be unloaded right on the ramp. So Kayaker Kyle backs his Toyota Tacoma with custom kayak rack right down the ramp where he first unloads and assembles the cart that is required to get the kayak to water's edge. Then he huffs and heaves to get the kayak on the cart where he then proceeds to unload bait buckets, fishing rods, a battery and trolling motor into the kayak, somehow taking up more than a single lane of the boat ramp.


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## SomaliPirate (Feb 5, 2016)

windblows said:


> OMG, sounds like my every weekend.
> 
> You forgot Kayaker Kyle who shows up with a kayak so large that it must be unloaded right on the ramp. So Kayaker Kyle backs his Toyota Tacoma with custom kayak rack right down the ramp where he first unloads and assembles the cart that is required to get the kayak to water's edge. Then he huffs and heaves to get the kayak on the cart where he then proceeds to unload bait buckets, fishing rods, a battery and trolling motor into the kayak, somehow taking up more than a single lane of the boat ramp.


Truth!


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## makin moves (Mar 20, 2010)

You forgot about Jon boat Jon rolling in after his 18 pack of bush light. Falling down trying to get out of the boat on on to the dock.


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## makin moves (Mar 20, 2010)

Forgot to mention Jon boat Jon has deep sea setups with led sinkers on the line.


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## SomaliPirate (Feb 5, 2016)

makin moves said:


> You forgot about Jon boat Jon rolling in after his 18 pack of bush light. Falling down trying to get out of the boat on on to the dock.


I've seen him in person at Steinhatchee. He's named Melvin, definitely has an alcohol problem and definitely has the trout in the suicide hole dialed in.


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## Smackdaddy53 (Dec 31, 2012)

Wake boat Warren pulls up with his Ferrari orange and chrome Nautique after an interesting afternoon. He’s so busy playing grabass and drinking that he forgets he’s in a craft that drafts 36” on plane but he decides to follow a skiff out of the channel and over a foot deep grass flat...thank God for the local airboat that charges $800 to jerk jerkoffs off the flats with his hundred foot snatch strap but one of the five playboy fine drunk bimbos is missing...probably somewhere up in the mangroves with a broken neck after being tossed out from the abrupt stop. Good thing he has four more to spare!


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## TwitchAO (Feb 18, 2019)

Not to mention that Pontoon Paul tied up while still inside the loading and unloading area


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## SomaliPirate (Feb 5, 2016)

Smackdaddy53 said:


> Wake boat Warren pulls up with his Ferrari orange and chrome Nautique after an interesting afternoon. He’s so busy playing grabass and drinking that he forgets he’s in a craft that drafts 36” on plane but he decides to follow a skiff out of the channel and over a foot deep grass flat...thank God for the local airboat that charges $800 to jerk jerkoffs off the flats with his hundred foot snatch strap but one of the five playboy fine drunk bimbos is missing...probably somewhere up in the mangroves with a broken neck after being tossed out from the abrupt stop. Good thing he has four more to spare!


I lost it at "chrome and orange Nautique"!


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## CFLbandit (Jul 8, 2019)

I see yall have been to the 15th street ramp in fort lauderdale.


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## TwitchAO (Feb 18, 2019)

Smackdaddy53 said:


> Wake boat Warren pulls up with his Ferrari orange and chrome Nautique after an interesting afternoon. He’s so busy playing grabass and drinking that he forgets he’s in a craft that drafts 36” on plane but he decides to follow a skiff out of the channel and over a foot deep grass flat...thank God for the local airboat that charges $800 to jerk jerkoffs off the flats with his hundred foot snatch strap but one of the five playboy fine drunk bimbos is missing...probably somewhere up in the mangroves with a broken neck after being tossed out from the abrupt stop. Good thing he has four more to spare!


He is the one driving a matching F250 with 7" of lift, 26" chrome wheels, and mud tires that double as rubber bands around the wheels right?


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## LtShinysides (Dec 27, 2018)

I enjoyed that. Thank you sir. We get the jet skis and the kayaks the most around here. I love when I have no place to tie up because a kayak/jet ski club decided it's their ramp/dock that day.


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## Smackdaddy53 (Dec 31, 2012)

TwitchAO said:


> He is the one driving a matching F250 with 7" of lift, 26" chrome wheels, and mud tires that double as rubber bands around the wheels right?


Backs up around mud puddles so the 1” sidewalls stay fresh...


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## TwitchAO (Feb 18, 2019)

Smackdaddy53 said:


> Wake boat Warren pulls up with his Ferrari orange and chrome Nautique after an interesting afternoon. He’s so busy playing grabass and drinking that he forgets he’s in a craft that drafts 36” on plane but he decides to follow a skiff out of the channel and over a foot deep grass flat...thank God for the local airboat that charges $800 to jerk jerkoffs off the flats with his hundred foot snatch strap but one of the five playboy fine drunk bimbos is missing...probably somewhere up in the mangroves with a broken neck after being tossed out from the abrupt stop. Good thing he has four more to spare!


Also you forgot he will be down to two bimbos by the time they get back to the ramp because one will be passed out and the other puking over the side giving that orange gel coat a nice new brownish green hue.


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## flyclimber (May 22, 2016)

Don't forget Bow Rider Bill and his 8 friends! He'll probably ask for a jump and some tools to get his boat started after not running for at least 6 months. 

My favorite is Off-shore chad, one of his 5 outboards cost more than my whole boat combined.


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## Guest (Nov 19, 2019)

Let’s not forget about manatee tour Marvin, and Scalloping Steve!


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## Smackdaddy53 (Dec 31, 2012)

flyclimber said:


> Don't forget Bow Rider Bill and his 8 friends! He'll probably ask for a jump and some tools to get his boat started after not running for at least 6 months.
> 
> My favorite is Off-shore chad, one of his 5 outboards cost more than my whole boat combined.


I told Somali he needs to start a thread on this so we can all post up characters with their profiles and shenanigans for the day based on real life experiences. It could be the next Netflix movie.


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## TwitchAO (Feb 18, 2019)

We all are forgetting about Bass Boat Bob. Bob never gets in anyones way at the ramp but don't get between him and his next fishing hole. Has all the latest gear and electronics including one flush mount 16" unit and one more mounted off to the side incase he needs a second opinion along with a 12" or 16" unit at the bow, a rod for every lure he owns cause who want to tie lures on while you are fishing, and a boat that rivals stock car racing with both appearance and speed.


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## dranrab (Oct 9, 2016)

Now that right there is quality content!


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## LtShinysides (Dec 27, 2018)

Oh and also Crabber Joe. You probably won't catch him at the ramp too often, but his traps will be right in the middle of your favorite fishing hole and floating in the middle of the channel during every high tide. Don't expect him to go slow, be quiet or courteous when passing by either.
Now I'm just btchin for the fun of it


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## DuckNut (Apr 3, 2009)

I personally love it but your pussified magazines won't print it because it is offensive to Paul's and Joey's.


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## Backcountry 16 (Mar 15, 2016)

I'm gladesman Glenn and I'm in and out in 5 minutes. After all it's a canoe.


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## paulrad (May 10, 2016)

DuckNut said:


> I personally love it but your pussified magazines won't print it because it is offensive to Paul's and Joey's.


Ya...I was going to say he really ought to change it to Pontoon Pete! lol


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## mro (Jan 24, 2018)

OMG!!!!

Do they really have LED sinkers???
Gota get me some 

As for being in the show, I got conditions... 
I want to be like Wilson
(Tim the toolmans neighbor  )


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## Micro Thinfisher (Jan 27, 2018)

makin moves said:


> You forgot about Jon boat Jon rolling in after his 18 pack of bush light. Falling down trying to get out of the boat on on to the dock.


Met his brother at the ramp. Me and my buddy pulling his Sport Scarab out of the ramp here comes Red Solo Cup Ralph reeks of Jack & Coke w/ girlfriend in tow in her sheer sun dress. Fairly nice and boat as well, 26’ Shamrock + Float on at Venice jetty ramp. Side current at ramp + float on + drunk = disaster. RSC Ralph backs down tow vehicle with loose tow strap attempting to load - he’s in too far and trailer swings in side current, he puts parking brake on luckily, jumps out of truck & frantically hops up on float on to try and pull tow strap to eye, now rapidly swinging in current, his feet go out from under him lickity split, thud he lands smackdaddy (for fellow forum member) down hard on float on, he’s now being pulled in side current under and between dock pilings about to get a facial shave from barnacles - me and my buddy Mike who’ve seen it all at the ramp are like WTF who does this chit? I tell him you jump in and rescue RSC Ralph, I’ll get the boat. He rescues him, while I secure the boat and he puts RSC Ralph in truck tells him to stay put. We both proceed to tell girlfriend we will load boat for her under one condition that she drives home after we pull it from ramp. She agrees and we proceed to finish what RSC Ralph couldn’t do. She thanks us both and drives off with RSC Ralph still sipping from red solo cup! We look at each other and still can’t believe what just happened - True Story.


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## 7665 (Jun 9, 2014)

This is hilarious. Having grown up sailing-
My dad’s favorite thing was watching the “sea ray
Boat drivers” try to anchor their boats. Tide changes, boat starts drifting through the anchorage playing bumper cars with all the other boats. Hilarious.


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## Steve_Mevers (Feb 8, 2013)

SomaliPirate said:


> The jet ski/tower boat thread got me thinking of this little thing I wrote a while back. It's actually an expanded version of a post I wrote on here a few years back. It's been submitted and rejected by every outdoor and boating magazine in existence, so there's no sense letting it languish on my flash drive. Here it is. Let me know if it's good, funny, sucks, or whatever:
> 
> Boat Ramp Champs
> 
> ...


Learned a long time ago to just take it in stride and not be in a hurry.


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## afernandez (Aug 28, 2013)

Let us not forget Spinning Wheels Steve aka Fishtail Freddy who can’t seem to find low gear on his vehicle when pulling his Robalo out at low tide.


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## mro (Jan 24, 2018)

No ones mentioned the "Ford" guy who likes to launch their truck at the same time they launch their boat...

*F*ound *O*n *R*amp *D*ead


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## LtShinysides (Dec 27, 2018)

mro said:


> No ones mentioned the "Ford" guy who likes to launch their truck at the same time they launch their boat...
> 
> *F*ound *O*n *R*amp *D*ead


I have actually seen this. About 8 years ago at the Dunlawton ramp in Port Orange. Guy forgot to put parking brake on in his stick shift ranger. Completely submerged the entire truck. First thing he did after a tow truck came and pulled him out was try to start it up


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## CFLbandit (Jul 8, 2019)

If any of you have instagram you will want to follow *thequalifiedcaptain *it basically puts pictures and videos to every stereotype mentioned in this thread. pure gold.


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## SomaliPirate (Feb 5, 2016)

CFLbandit said:


> If any of you have instagram you will want to follow *thequalifiedcaptain *it basically puts pictures and videos to every stereotype mentioned in this thread. pure gold.


I gave up IG about a year or so ago and that's the only account I miss.


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## mro (Jan 24, 2018)

Long before "instagram" when I lived in Largo I used to see 3 to 4 locals sitting in lawn chairs at the corner of W bay and Clearwater/Largo Rd. regularly on my way home. Turned out they were there to watch collisions in the intersection which happened pretty regular there.

youtube has some pretty funny launch ramp videos..


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## Dustin2785 (Apr 30, 2013)

LtShinysides said:


> I have actually seen this. About 8 years ago at the Dunlawton ramp in Port Orange. Guy forgot to put parking break on in his stick shift ranger. Completely submerged the entire truck. First thing he did after a tow truck came and pulled him out was try to start it up


Spent many a days sitting at that ramp when I worked on the ambulance in Daytona watching the boat ramp shit show.


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## LtShinysides (Dec 27, 2018)

Dustin2785 said:


> Spent many a days sitting at that ramp when I worked on the ambulance in Daytona watching the boat ramp shit show.


Sometimes I wish I didn't obsess over fishing so much so I could sit and enjoy the boat ramp shows. Dunlawton is definitely worthy of a Saturday, a lawn chair and a cooler of beer.


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## hipshot (Sep 29, 2018)

Don't forget Airboat Andy, who blows by at full throttle ten feet from the three wadefishermen on the flat just around the point from the marina. He noncholantly waves as he dusts them off, reveling in their obvious jealousy at his ownership of such an attention-grabbing vessel.


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## hipshot (Sep 29, 2018)

And how about Baitdealer Bob? I actually encountered him on my last trip to Big Pine Key. I was up on a flat in my SoloSkiff harassing a school of juvie tarpon with my seven weight and this chucklehead in a twenty-something foot flatbottom Carolina Skiff idles up on the flat, periodically throwing it in neutral and running up on the bow to throw his huge castnet. He never did shut off his outboard. He idled all up and down that flat for probably 45 minutes, and several times he was close enough that I could have snagged him with my fly. I kept poling away from him, but apparently he owned that flat; he just kept idling all over it netting bait. He wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. He finally left. A while later he returned; at that point I just poled out to deeper water, dropped the Tohatsu, and left.


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## mrbacklash (Nov 1, 2008)

Also there is Bayliner Beto who instead of taking your AR-15 he takes his battery out of his truck to put in that quality craft to get that 1985 Force smoking like his jacked up cummins with stacks.


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## Guest (Nov 24, 2019)

mrbacklash said:


> Also there is Bayliner Beto who instead of taking your AR-15 he takes his battery out of his truck to put in that quality craft to get that 1985 Force smoking like his jacked up cummins with stacks.


Hey hey, watch those jacked up Cummins with stacks comments!


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## Gvillewill (Feb 20, 2016)

Great descriptions
All of these are the reasons that I find myself using my kayak more and more.
Cuz, I don't need no stinking ramp.
I would support legislation to double ramp capacity in Florida


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## mavdog32 (Apr 5, 2019)

One of the better threads I've seen on this forum!

I seem to remember a video recently about Dry Retrieve Dan, refuses to get his hubs wet and winches the boat onto lubed bunks at the blazing speed of an electric trailer winch from 20 feet out. 

I might actually be a little jealous


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## Smackdaddy53 (Dec 31, 2012)

mavdog32 said:


> One of the better threads I've seen on this forum!
> 
> I seem to remember a video recently about Dry Retrieve Dan, refuses to get his hubs wet and winches the boat onto lubed bunks at the blazing speed of an electric trailer winch from 20 feet out.
> 
> I might actually be a little jealous


I’m sorry but dry launching and retrieving is gay. Bwahaha


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## GaG8tor (Jul 8, 2019)

Smackdaddy53 said:


> I’m sorry but dry launching and retrieving is gay. Bwahaha


And totally unnecessary


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## Boneheaded (Oct 4, 2017)

What about Ruben the Cuban? Miami special! Ruben backs his 1975 formula runabout in the ramp, after some persuading the old evinrude starts up in a cloud of white smoke, he then unloads trailer and proceeds to load the boat with all necessities, all while waiting for all 11 of his family and friends to hop on board the now overloaded antique 30 minutes later


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## LowHydrogen (Dec 31, 2015)

You can call me Dirt Ramp Dave, I prefer to stay away from all these other characters, and the gay art of keeping my trailer dry...


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## Guest (Jan 11, 2020)

LtShinysides said:


> I have actually seen this. About 8 years ago at the Dunlawton ramp in Port Orange. Guy forgot to put parking brake on in his stick shift ranger. Completely submerged the entire truck. First thing he did after a tow truck came and pulled him out was try to start it up


I'd seen the same thing. Guy loses truck underwater at the ramp and complains that the headlights stayed lit underwater for 15 minutes. As he's telling me this, a bystander walks up and says "must have been a Diehard"! It would make a great commercial.


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## jonterr (Mar 24, 2013)

Smackdaddy53 said:


> I’m sorry but dry launching and retrieving is gay. Bwahaha


Gay
As in
Funny?


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## Smackdaddy53 (Dec 31, 2012)

jonterr said:


> Gay
> As in
> Funny?


Funny funny not haha funny


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